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Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
bout dat hot dog summer
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back