BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
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Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Last-minute gift idea!
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Me, reading some of your tweets
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Mornin. * use accordingly
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this