The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
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I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)