We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
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my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.