ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
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Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
I saw nothing
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
This anagram machine is out of order.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Möther may I have a snäck