Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
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[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy