if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
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My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit