Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
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[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
To clean up or just move. This is the question.