62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
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If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
We found love in a hopeless place.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏