My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
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God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again