HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
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Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?