[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
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*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
The devil.
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone