Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Cha-ching is my safe word
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?