My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
You Might Also Like
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar