My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
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If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Warm pools make me nervous.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.