My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
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Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*