3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
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Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
“our sushi is very fresh”
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.