friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
Me as a therapist: omg same
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.