[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
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completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support