*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
You Might Also Like
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
The honesty is refreshing