It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
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Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.