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Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
see you in hell you stupid fruit
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.