*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
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I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.