I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
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Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
They’re called werewolves.
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph