They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
You Might Also Like
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
choose your gary
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”