[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
You Might Also Like
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Come back after dark. Bring your friends