Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
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The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw