God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
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BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
omg leave her alone
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.