My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
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You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
This probably isn’t good
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something