ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
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Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Can Happiness buy money?
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..