There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
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That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
I believe the plural is “milves.”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.