I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
You Might Also Like
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
#Caturday
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.