blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
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Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car