If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
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I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
This is not me but this is me
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…