You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
You Might Also Like
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
🙀🙀🙀😹
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.