I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
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Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey