Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
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My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN