This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
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They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…