Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
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*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…