Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
You Might Also Like
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious