me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary