Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
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Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
What even happened today?
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably