*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
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*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Them: Just act casual
Me:
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?