Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
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I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Isn’t it weird that the A-hole and the B-hole are the same hole?
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
spot the difference
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.