Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
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FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
cause of death:
autopsy.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison