He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
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Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked