when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
even bears disappoint their mothers
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.