Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
You Might Also Like
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up