people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
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BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print