Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
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A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?